They thought her a free spirit. Because she wore her heart on her sleeve and was not afraid to love freely. They thought her unencumbered by any of life’s holds. Because she was not afraid to take leaps or laugh heartily out loud.
But the hearts of men hides many things. They hide anger and bitterness. They hide envy and greed. They hide in-confidence and fear. So the world saw a brave, fiery soul. But the true being cowered behind the brilliant glow she fashioned.
That when she loved, she loved fiercely. But in the fierceness was a fragile heart afraid to be bruised and scarred. So afraid, that often in the dead of night she lay awake weeping and praying.
And when she danced, how she swayed her hips and twirled with her eyes closed. But she worried about her steps. She worried about her gracefulness. She wondered whether hers was a graceful waltz and shoki, or if she lumbered around clumsily, arms flapping and flailing.
When she smiled, oh the way she smiled. She could light up the sky and make hearts skip a few beats. But she feared that the twitch on the side could be seen. That the imperfection would soon break out. The slightly misaligned teeth. That tiny dot of discoloration. That she couldn’t wear that smile for too long before the frown showed.
And so often as she crawled into bed alone, she wondered if she truly was lovable. If she were an ethereal wisp of light that made the world a better place and to which songs were sung. Or if the stench of her insecurities was strong enough to repel all who came close. She wondered if when they laughed, they laughed at her. And if they spoke, they spoke behind her back. If they turned, they turned against her. And if they made promises of undying love, they meant not a word.
She wondered and she worried and she feared. But when morning came, she put on her happy face and walked out seeking approval.
But why did she care so much? Why did it matter so deeply that they think the galaxy of her? Why was she so consumed by the desire to be reassured of her beauty, her grace, her brilliance? Why does the world matter so much that man is in an incessant scramble to win its approval?
Why couldn’t she just forget the crowd and dance to the song in her head, forgetting the there and then until the music stopped playing. Why couldn’t she just love for her heart’s sake, purely and truly, and give the best of who she was, not the best of who they saw. Why couldn’t she just walk and talk and laugh and cry as the free spirit she longed to be, not for attention nor for standing ovations but to live the beauty of her spirit. Why can’t we find the story deep on the inside of us and breathe it not for anything else but our being. Why won’t you dance to your own music and your own happiness. Why won’t I journey for my own peace and my own contentment. Why won’t we refuse to grow slack in zeal. Why won’t we keep fervent in Spirit. Why won’t we serve the Lord.
©2019WisemenChronicles
Wisemen Chronicles 